No More Blame

No More Blame

I received some very sad news last night.  My 11 year old, blind dachshund, Libby passed away.  It was terrible news to get, and my heart is broken.  I picked her out when she was 6 weeks old and brought her home as soon as she turned 8 weeks, to be a buddy for our 1 year old dachshund Sargey (sadly he passed away in March).  She was adorable, a great lizard catcher and even had a couple of squirrels under her belt, and at 3 years old, woke up one morning totally blind.  We took her to the vet, who sent us to the doggie ophthalmologist (never knew they had those), who confirmed she had SARDs (Sudden Acute Retinal Detachment) and was totally blind.  She adjusted quickly to the blindness, and amazed us all with her behavior.  There were times we would forget she was blind.  I blamed myself for her death.  It was an accident, that would not have happened, if I had not been here.

I have spent the years blaming myself (with help from others sometimes) for everything that has happened around me.  Things that I had no control over, but still found a way to make it my fault.  My father not wanting to spend time with me, my aunt’s death, the many, many issues with both husbands, my children’s grades and lots of other items.  One of the positive things about living with 90 women, is they won’t let you feel sorry for yourself.  I have built-in group therapy.  Several women sat with me and helped me realize that it is not my fault my father was more interested in everything else but me, there is nothing that I could do about it.  It was not my fault that my aunt was killed.  I have always blamed myself for not telling my mom about the abuse I witnessed (after she made me promise not to – I was 15), and a couple of weeks later she was killed.  It is not my fault that my two husbands treated like me they did.  Although I was told many, many times, I was not stupid, ugly, fat, boring or a terrible mother.  I should never have let all of those words affect me like they did.  It was not my fault that my girls did not always do as well as others thought they should in school.  They tried their best, and every child is not a straight-A student, just seems to be every child that is around me.

So no more blame for things I cannot control.  It is time to move on.  Libby’s accident was an accident and there is no blame. I will miss my Libby tremendously, and I am sure little Hero (my 6 year old dachshund) is very sad, losing Sargey, Me & Libby all within 6 months.  I hope he will be getting extremely spoiled between now and when I get home.

Have a good rest of the week.

Julie

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